BOOK EXCERPT
LESSONS IN THE LIGHT
I Am Healed
Jeremiah 17:14, “Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved for thou art my praise.”
I went to visit a psychologist after my incident. I got in six visits before I was considered out of the program. At first I would go and just sit and cry. Then I started talking a lot and it is amazing the things that came out of my mouth. I talked about when we were in the movie and how he squeezed my thigh so tight it almost make me cry. I talked about how he had made me cry by fussing at me because I would not have sex with him. I talked about how he had made me mad because he told me the people downstairs were telling him I was having sex with someone else in our bed. There were so many times that he had made me cry or made me mad. I couldn’t seem to let it go and it made me miserable. Then one day I felt like committing suicide. I had already resolved to do it in my head, now I just had to make it happen. I knew my father would find me first and I didn’t want that, but it had to be done. I remember watching the morning movie and waiting for it to end so that I could do it. I already had the knife in my bed. I was going to slip the knife into the side of my belly and cut across to the other side of my stomach. It would be a lot of pain, but I was determined to do it. It was rather peaceful knowing that I was going to end it all today. Suddenly, during the movie commercials, a spot came on promoting “The Greatest Show on Earth” at 9 pm that evening. Oh my gawd, I loved that show, but I was going to commit suicide? I could wait one more day; what was one more day? So, I watched the movie that night and fell asleep. The next day, yet again, while I was watching television, I saw an advertisement for “Westside Story”.
I LOVE WESTSIDE STORY! So I watched that movie later that night and fell asleep. It to occur to me that I was the coordinator of my destiny and that if I wanted to stay alive, I could. It also occurred to me that in the last two days I was not thinking about how I had been treated in my marriage; because I had decided to think about suicide. My days were peaceful and quiet. I decided then, that I was going to be healed. It was hard and it took years, but eventually it worked. I put away all the resentment, the rage and the annoyance, and started myself on the road to recovery. The feeling of peace and quiet went away.
By Lisa Beard
